He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
