So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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