I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
