Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
