I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
