is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
