dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Please, let me fuck your mom
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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