I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
