So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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