Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
