Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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