I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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