this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
