If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
