i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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