you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
