I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
