the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
