I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
