u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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