every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
