It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
