Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
