wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
