You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
