I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
