another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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