I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Your cock deserves a montage
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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