New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
We left the knife in your bed.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My vagina is officially offended.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize