She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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