why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize