One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like death gave me a hand job
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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