i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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