god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
