my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
