I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
