Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
