Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
