At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
