his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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