I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
