Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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