Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I wish there were birth control emojis
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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