I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
