She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
