it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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