You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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