fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
