We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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