toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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