The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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