he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
