You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
