I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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