Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
