im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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