Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize