i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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