Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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