there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize