i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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