he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Even my vagina gasped.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
