Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
