she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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