I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
