so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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