sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
