im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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