does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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