I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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