on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
barbara walters just said penis...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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